Finding the torture you're comfortable with.
I stared out of the car window, sleepily watching the desert landscape fly by at 80 mph while listening to Howard Stern interview Jerry Seinfeld on the radio. We were on the first leg of our road trip home from a fun weekend in Las Vegas with friends, and it was the only thing keeping me from dozing off in the backseat. It was by far one of the best interviews I had heard in a while. Jerry Seinfeld 's philosophies on marriage, his comedy career, and life were all very poignant. But there was one quote in particular that really hit home...
"Find the torture you're comfortable with."
Other than thinking, hey, that's a pretty great quote, I didn't really analyze it much further than that.
Rewind to the beginning of this year: With every new year comes the hope of a successful and thriving wedding season. Eyes aglow with excitement for the weddings already booked, and hopes high for more and more amazing clients to keep me busy throughout the season. Now it's about to get real up in here. This year did not happen the way I had planned it. Yes, I booked weddings, and they were all so wonderful and my clients were so amazing. BUT, I was nowhere near my booking goal for the year, and as the months flew by, I started to realize it just wasn't going to happen. Not even close.
This is where disappointment began to settle in.
Being a full time photographer was starting to become more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I no longer had that part time job to fall back on, and in turn my self-esteem lowered even more when I couldn't help out as much with the bills. My self-doubt was at an all time high. Is this really what I was meant to do?
As the year pushed on, I made it a point to set my self-doubt aside, and spend my time maintaining my business and the relationships I had established with my current couples. Ensuring that I was doing everything in my power to give them the best service I knew how. In doing so, I realized that I was no longer worrying about booking more weddings. I was content knowing that the couples I did have, trusted me.
Back to Jerry Seinfeld. This past week had some moments of excitement and some not so much, and as I strapped myself in for another emotional roller coaster, I suddenly remembered Jerry's quote: find the torture you're comfortable with. Life began coming back into perspective. This year has been full of ups and downs, but I am still standing, still passionate, still eager, still in love with what I do. There are moments of torture, as with anything worth loving. Most of that torture being in the form of my own self-doubt. Even so, there's a fire inside of me that burns for what I do...for the couples that I care so much about and the desire to create.
As I sit here writing this, my hope is that I can look back on this moment and know that even though it seems insufferable at times, the joy I get from doing what I love is a torture that I am truly comfortable with.